On a Personal Note → The Ugly Side of Being
This musing is another in a string of musings about a subject that I’ve avoided for a long time. I still receive many E-mails from people seeking my advice in matters pertaining to the issue of gender variance. I’m still of a mind that counseling is the best course of action for anyone considering transitioning.
The treatment given to Susan Stanton, the city manager of Largo, Florida points out the fact that there is a long way to go in our society. We are living in irrational times. A person who is on a personal quest to realize their true identity is displaying one of the most rational behaviors that a human being is capable of. If only all of us were to look deep inside before we judge anyone else.
Someone who has been attending my shows for a long time has begun the transition process. She is a very intelligent, articulate, and talented young lady. Unfortunately she’s encountered a phenomena that most gender variant people endure with mind numbing frequency. Here is her E-mail and my reply:
XXXX XXXXXXX
I got off the elevator at work, just after dropping off the mail. It was around 3:00 pm. There was a man, possibly in his late 20’s, maybe early 30’s, waiting to step onto the elevator . He was an outside vender contracted to bring in two new snack machines and then stock them on a weekly basis. I was stepping from the elevator, into the reception area; he was talking to our company receptionist. But the second that he saw me, he quickly ceased conversation with her, turned and looked directly at me; scanning me up and down with an expression that could only say, “What the hell are you.”
I tried to ignore it, but apparently, the receptionist thought that the combination of me, a crossdresser and this man’s shocked face at the site of me was hilarious and started laughing. I responded in my usual manner when I’m being attacked; I tried to laugh it off and make everything better; you know, that motivation not to “rock the boat” and make everyone feel comfortable that I learned by years of “being nice” to everyone. (plus, this occurred in a professional office environment, so…)
He was obviously offended by me looking at him and smiling so he felt the need to assert himself by smugly saying, “Don’t you be smiling at me like that.”
By his tone, all I heard was, “Don’t be looking at me you ugly piece of garbage” because you are not “good” enough to look at me. (and truth be told he shouldn’t be saying anything negative to an employee of a company who has hired his services)
Anyway, I walked back to my desk, realizing once again, I’ve been attacked and offended. After a brief minute of stewing I marched into the operations manager’s office, a friend of mine for over 10 years, and blew up. I was so angry I can’t really remember what I said, something to the effect of, “You tell that guy, I won’t accept that type of crap, here in the office”. It’s bad enough to get it on the street, but I won’t tolerate it here.
The Operations Manager agreed that I have a right to be offended and should not have to accept that type of behavior. He called the company the guy works for. They must have phoned him quickly because he, (the vendor) phoned our office and apologized to the receptionist.
The Operations Manager said he really should be apologizing to me and added that if I give the word, he will have the vendor come in, and take his vending machines out and we’ll just hire another company.
I really don’t want to see the guy again, let alone, every week when he comes in to stock the machines, but I’ve always prided myself on forgiveness and taking the higher road. And for all I know, he may have children to feed; I wouldn’t want them to suffer for this one incident of stupidity.
Plus, everyone in the office has been waiting with anticipation for these two new vending machines; I didn’t want to spoil that for them. So I opted instead for a personal apology; figuring everyone deserves a second chance. We’ll see what happens with that; I won’t know until two Mondays from now because I got the next Monday off.
But words and actions cut deep and I retreated to the rest room, shaking with an uncontrollable mixture of anger and sadness brought about by confrontation unexpected. I stood at the sink and cried. Raising my head and gazing into the mirror I saw a face wet with tears and smudged mascara. I asked myself, “Am I that ugly, am I that horrible to look at—I don’t understand, the cashier at the market this morning told me I looked pretty, I’m confused. And who this man, is he my father, my God, my master; my lover, to where he thinks he has power to talk to me like that?”
It’s a weird feeling when a stranger attacks you, even verbally. I felt violated; emotionally and psychologically raped. And the fact that it happened so suddenly, without warning, in a place where I generally feel safe and least expect it. Some have said already, that I should have flipped him the finger or said, “f–k you’” but as mentioned, this happened in an area, with people and possible clients coming and going, I didn’t want to make matters worse. And truthfully, I’m just not that type of person.
After work, I drove home and attempted to drown the sick feeling in my stomach with old MASH reruns and wine. But sleep finally brought me some respite, in a way that only sleep can. I slept peacefully considering, but alas, had to awaken sooner or later.
I got up around 5:00am; like an unwelcome visitor, the sickness returned to remind me of yesterday’s events. I sat up and on the edge of my bed, arms folded, leaning forward, feet on the floor, staring at my red painted toes. Echoing the words of some well meaning friends, I told myself that it’s my fault; by being the way that I am, I’m asking to be treated like shit.
Shaking my head side to side, and rocking gently forward, I whispered, “It’s just too much, and I can’t take it anymore; I’m not strong enough, it’s not worth it. “What’s next”, I thought, “Am I going to get killed for being myself?” Maybe next time it will be a bottle to the head, flung from out of no where.
I started thinking maybe I should just cut my hair, put on my old brown shoes and be a normal guy. Maybe move back to upstate New York, the place of my birth and home until 18. Maybe I can meet a nice girl, get married, have some children, buy a home and be respectable; then people will like me.
But the thought of going back into the closet makes me as equally sick to my stomach as the insults and harassment I sometimes have to bare. I really don’t know what to do. I suppose I can always fall back on the absolute that life is nothing but pain and suffering, until we die. [Well, unless of course, I can count on that eternal "ass kicking" that Jesus is going to give me in the afterlife, for being transgendered].
There, having said that, I feel much better. My cat XXXXXX just jumped on my desk and is purring and rubbing his white flossy whiskers in my face; his bushy bunny tail bustling sprightly upward.. Isn’t it wonderful how my cat doesn’t see my lipstick and high heels. And to think, I was going to get rid of him because he pooped on the rug.
Luv,
XXXX
Dear XXXX,
Poor butterfly!
Take a deep breath.
I don’t want to say that you need to get used to it, because it’s something that should never occur. Unfortunately there will always be ignorant, uneducated morons.
When somebody takes that kind of tact there’s not much you can do but tell them that you’re a human being, smile, and inwardly marvel at their stupidity. Don’t show fear or displeasure on your face. DON’T EVER ENGAGE IN AN ARGUMENT! Walk away. It is a dangerous situation.
Transition can be very difficult. I wish it were possible to let the hormones take their full effect before transitioning but we are understandably impatient to make things right. Adjusting to HRT is an emotional roller coaster. Everyone that you work with should be aware that you will probably go through a period of mood swinging. It will subside in time. Once again I must ask, are you seeing a counselor? Don’t attempt this without some professional guidance!
You are very fortunate to be working at a place that is understanding. Count your blessings girlfriend! Most of us have to work alongside idiots like that vendor. Openess with your employer is difficult but essential. You’ve handled your work situation admirably.
Most employers will try and find any excuse to fire you because someone will have discomfort with the subject matter. They will come up with false facts in order to justify firing you over some other issue, it will never be about your gender. Nobody wants a lawsuit. Their problem usually stems from their own repressed sexuality. Rise above.
It’s not easy to swallow your pride but in the long run you’ll be a lot safer if you can react in a careful measured manner. You’ve handled this situation well, and it’s good that the offending idiot will have some repercussions, but choose your battles wisely and carefully. Fight for your rights and dignity but be careful not to be too strident. Try not to fly off the handle! It’s still a dangerous world for many of us.
We just have to be bigger, braver, and stronger than most people. There is a certain amount of power attributed to those who are perceived to be of the male gender. Giving up power is a difficult thing for many people to understand. I’ve learned from experience that there are ways to regain that power in a completely different manner. In the long run it’s a lot less stressful! Being labled a “fox” isn’t neccesarily a physical term.
Every day I thank my lucky stars for my kitty GG. Sometimes I think cats are smarter than humans.
Call if you need to talk,
xo,
Jennifer
April 21, 2007
